


Murder Is A Very Intimate Fantasy

by Laurasauras



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal, Collars, Dubious Consent, M/M, Rivalry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-26
Updated: 2019-09-26
Packaged: 2020-10-28 14:55:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20780444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laurasauras/pseuds/Laurasauras
Summary: Light knows what he has to do to win. While L has been an impressive opponent, he doesn't really think he'll stop him. It's almost a shame.Then L does stop him. What now?





	Murder Is A Very Intimate Fantasy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Grubbutts](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grubbutts/gifts).

> So this recounts quite a few scenes as they appear in the manga/anime. I used the manga to reference the lines up until the rain scene, which tragically is exclusive to the anime and which could obviously not be omitted! While Light is into the sex scene at the end, he doesn't get a choice about it hence the non-con/dub-con tags. 
> 
> I'd hesitate to put any label on Light, but I think he's been confusing his attraction to L with his own self-satisfied horniness. He's definitely aware he's turned on by his own intelligence, but he doesn't seem to realise how interrelated that is with L. Thank you, G, for the excuse to write my anime OTP!

Light Yagami sat on the single bed of his cell, head bowed and hands cuffed behind his back, looking for all the world like he was utterly defeated. It had been a week, a whole week of nothing to do but sit and stare at the blank walls, very rarely getting updates from Ryuzaki. He didn’t count the silent service of Watari, coming in to provide meals, to stretch out his arms and change his clothes. Even if Light wasn’t exactly where he needed to be, he wouldn’t consider that an opening. Watari was old, but he was strong and observant. 

Sometimes he let his vacant stare wander in the direction of Ryuk, who was gradually becoming more twisted from his withdrawal from apples and unable to leave to satisfy it because Light needed him in the cell too. Ryuk’s gymnastics might have been entertaining to a lesser person, but when Light watched him he was more amused by the fact that he had a Shinigami so completely under his control. 

They didn’t take his cuffs off even when he slept, so the only position that was available to him was on his front, head turned to the side, pressed into the bed by gravity. He rarely faced the wall. He didn’t want to deprive Ryuzaki the pleasure of looking at his face.

Light thought about Ryuzaki watching him a lot. 

Ryuzaki.  _ L. _ By the culmination of this plan, he would be dead. By imprisoning Light, he was contributing to the essential steps that needed to be carried out precisely. Light didn’t delude himself, Ryuzaki was very intelligent. He’d captured Kira, after all. But Light was more than his equal.

It was almost a shame to kill him. A mind that brilliant would be useful in the new world. Certainly, Light would prefer Ryuzaki by his side and rooting out criminals for him than Misa. An impossible fantasy, but Light sometimes indulged in it while there was nothing else to do but wait. Wait, and willingly show the toll that this confinement was taking on him. His pride only allowed it because it was necessary.

Light woke up on the seventh day uncomfortably pressed into the mattress by all the weight of gravity. The motion activation sensors were disabled during the night so that he wouldn’t trigger them if he moved in his sleep, and the cell was dark. Still, he was observed. He could  _ feel _ it.

Ryuzaki was watching him closely, every second, and it wouldn’t be enough. Light was still going to win. Hands bound behind his back, eyes barely open, Light pressed his hips more firmly into the mattress.

He woke up properly before he could do more than seek out the barest relief. It had been a week since he had been confined, and longer since he had scheduled time for himself. He was watched at home as well, and he was a young man with a young man’s needs. Finding the appropriate frequency, considering the stress of the investigation’s impact, was hard. Knowing that Ryuzaki was watching had always made it easier.

It wasn’t out of attraction to Ryuzaki, or anyone for that matter. It was his own intelligence, knowing that he was fooling everyone, using painfully bland pornography as if he would ever be interested in girls in bikinis. Now, when he should have been under the greatest stress of his life, it would have been convenient if his usually quiet libido could be silent. 

He sucked in air and opened his eyes properly. His erection was uncomfortably trapped by his underwear, even if he lifted his hips it was still pinned to him. He glared at the wall before squeezing his eyes shut again. He would love to make Ryuzaki watch him as he rutted into the mattress, make him analyse what  _ morning wood  _ meant like the clueless genius he was. But while his pride could handle a lot, he couldn’t handle Watari peeling his come-stained underwear from him. 

He breathed through it, and knowing that thinking of his plan wouldn’t help matters, occupied his mind with the most banal subject he could think of: Misa’s acting schedule and the list of friends he’d memorised to be a “good boyfriend”.

His body slowly calmed down, and Light sat up. There was a blanket on the bed, but it was too difficult to get under it with any kind of dignity, so he slept on top. The cell wasn’t cold by any means. He decided he was done with sitting on the bed and slid to the floor. He planted his feet close to his ass to feel the stretch in his thighs and almost laughed when he realised how similar his pose was to the one Ryuzaki adopted. Maybe it would increase his thinking powers as well. 

The novelty quickly wore off though. The floor was even more uncomfortable than the bed. He didn’t want to pace, didn’t want to show his frustration that much. He just sat and glared at the wall. 

It was the seventh day, and he was going to progress his plan. But he still had to wait for Ryuzaki to talk to him first and he  _ hated _ that small dependence. The physical dependencies were nothing, but that he couldn’t move until Ryuzaki did rankled. If he didn’t talk to him today it wouldn’t make much difference. But Light had chosen today. The seventh day. He  _ wanted _ it.

‘Light, it’s only been a week now. Are you alright?’

_ Finally. _

‘Yeah … I know I must look pretty bad in here but … This pride … I’ll have to ...  _ get rid of it _ .’

Ryuk froze in his contortions and looked at Light. He straightened up to his full size, grinning cadaverously. 

‘Okie dokey!’ Ryuk said, practically prancing on the spot. Light knew there wasn’t any affection lost between them, but it seemed like the Shinigami lost some of his vibrance once he realised the ramifications of his dismissal. No more watching Light’s  _ interesting _ plotting and no more apples. Light didn’t know which Ryuk would miss more. ‘Later,’ Ryuk said, his voice deep as the grave as he walked through the solid wall of Light’s cell.

_ Wait … What am I doing here!? _

*

_ I’m free _ , Light thought as he walked into headquarters with his father and Misa. It turned out to be a very ironic thought as Ryuzaki’s first action upon seeing him was to cuff their wrists together. 

The chain between the cuffs was long enough that they could sit a comfortable distance apart, to work independently, but Light knew that when Ryuzaki said he’d be watching him 24/7, he meant it. He stared at his wrist while Misa argued with Ryuzaki over the least important things. 

Misa loved him, that much was clear, but he had no idea why. He didn’t  _ think _ he’d done anything to encourage it. She was sweet, but … He could never love someone who wasn’t his equal. He wasn’t as cruel as to tell her that with everyone watching, and he wouldn’t want to tell her he thought of her as lesser than him anyway. It wasn’t even  _ lesser _ , but they were so different! She  _ knew _ she was under investigation and she still said to Ryuzaki’s face that she’d love Light even more if he was Kira. Light was actually grateful when Aizawa dragged Misa from the room.

Ryuzaki seemed  _ confused _ when Light put his foot down about leading Misa on. Light found himself disappointed in Ryuzaki for not predicting that that would be a line he couldn’t cross and in himself for that not being obvious. He was dedicated to the side of good. Even if he hadn’t been a suspect, he would have done anything to get involved in the Kira investigation. It was just the kind of person he was. 

*

Light hadn’t quite realised the ramifications of the chain during the day. They became obvious when the other officers left their living quarters for the night. Ryuzaki stared owlishly at Light, like he was expecting something. 

‘What?’ Light asked.

‘Aren’t you getting tired? It’s about the time you usually sleep, even accounting for the excitement of your relative freedom.’

Light felt a rush of nervousness in his belly at the reminder of how intimately Ryuzaki knew his schedule.

‘I could sleep. It’s probably a good idea for me to be at my best so that I can help with the investigation.’

‘Yes,’ Ryuzaki agreed. 

There was an awkward pause. 

Light looked down at their interconnected wrists. 

‘Um …’ he said.

‘Yes, I knew this was a sacrifice when I proposed this compromise. There’s no way around it, I’m afraid.’

‘Do you even sleep?’ Light asked abruptly.

Ryuzaki looked almost hurt. He stretched his long legs out so he was sitting normally on the couch and straightened his posture, not quite to normal level, to look evenly at Light. 

‘I am human,’ he said. 

‘Sorry,’ Light said.

There was another awkward pause. 

Light had been to sleepovers when he was very small, but for a long time his priority had been school. He wanted to get into the academy. That was more important than socialisation, though he took time for that sometimes too.

He didn’t know how to go to sleep at the same time as someone. He didn’t know what this involved. But Ryuzaki clearly expected him to take the lead.

‘Okay, well …’ Light held up his wrist, ‘should we brush our teeth together then?’

Ryuzaki stood up, and Light got to his feet as well, feeling almost clumsy, as if he and Ryuzaki should be moving as one body but they weren’t quite in sync yet. He wouldn’t let it conquer him, though. He was more than capable of adjusting to unusual circumstances. For now, they were awkward about going about getting ready for bed, but they would improve. They had always adjusted quickly to each other.

Light went to take his shirt off and paused, stomach exposed foolishly, as he tried to imagine how in the hell this was supposed to work. He dropped his shirt and looked at Ryuzaki. Ryuzaki looked sheepishly back at him. 

‘Perhaps sleep in your shirt tonight,’ he said. ‘Or I could call Watari to uncuff you so you could change. But I would prefer to keep those times to a minimum, and if we calculate this carefully there could just be one brief uncuffing to take off a shirt and replace it with another.’

‘You’ve thought about this.’

Ryuzaki looked surprised.

‘I would hardly take an action as extreme as binding myself to you for the foreseeable future without thinking about it. I told you before, I don’t even know if I  _ can _ find Kira. This isn’t a short-term project.’

Light didn’t think that fighting Ryuzaki again would solve anything, and he wasn’t going to work himself up before bed. He shrugged. He would at least take off his jeans. And … he would appreciate having pajamas to get into, but the drawers on his side of the bedroom were empty. 

‘I wasn’t sure you’d pass the test,’ Ryuzaki said. He pulled his own pants off, chain and arm stretched to the limit so he could reach his own drawers. ‘Would you like to borrow a pair of mine?’

‘I’m fine,’ Light said. 

He supposed it wasn’t actually a big deal, but he didn’t want to wear Ryuzaki’s clothes on top of everything else. He didn’t want to disappear into him.

Light looked at the bed properly for the first time. Bed, singular. His wrist jerked outwards as Ryuzaki moved towards it, apparently expecting Light to move with him. He looked back at Light curiously.

‘One bed,’ Light pointed out.

Ryuzaki held his hand up next to his face and swung it back and forth like a pendulum with great condescension. 

Light sighed and decided to just get on with it. He couldn’t remember ever sharing a bed with anyone, he didn’t think he even went to his parents’ when he was a child. He was pretty self-sufficient from a young age, and his occupation with the Kira investigation had gotten in the way of anything resembling a social life. 

It wasn’t that Light was a  _ loner _ , he’d always been able to get along with people. It’s not like it was hard for him to dress appropriately and replicate the behaviour of other popular people. His voice was natural sounding, blase if it wasn’t warm, like he was ready to tease at any given point. He was clever, but modest, and he made sure to notice his friends’ positive attributes too. Being social wasn’t hard. It was just work. It didn’t tend to intrude into his bedroom, or his bed.

He pulled the sheets up to his chin. The rustle as they moved sounded loud in the quiet room. Should he say goodnight? Light wondered if people who slept in the same room generally said goodnight to each other.  _ That _ wasn’t something he could remember seeing in the movies. Ryuzaki probably didn’t care either way, but the weight of social obligation might keep Light lying awake if he didn’t just  _ do something _ .

‘Goodnight,’ he said. He grimaced at the loudness of his voice, even though it was always gentle.

‘Goodnight, Light Yagami,’ Ryuzaki said. His voice was deep, and closer than Light had expected. It made him shiver. 

He could never refer to Ryuzaki like that. L. This man who he felt he had more in common with than anyone he had ever met, and who paradoxically he didn’t know at all. He didn’t even know his name. 

Light felt like he’d been frustrated by that before. There was power in names. He thought about his own name a lot, how the symbols used didn’t carry the pronunciation he used, how that gave him layers of meaning more than most. He was Light, as in  _ goodness _ , as in  _ illumination _ and therefore  _ knowledge _ ; divine as in “let there be light”. But it was spelled  _ moon _ , allowing him a foot on both sides. The fact that he shared a suffix with Shinigami was something he’d thought about a lot since the videos from the second Kira had surfaced. 

If Kira thought of himself as a god of death, then Light Yagami was a god of light and night, of  _ right _ . Grounded in the world and uniquely positioned to oppose the evil that Kira was doing, able to see nuance where Kira just  _ killed _ . And he would never be so arrogant or idiotic as to think of himself as an actual god.

Light had always liked his name. It felt True. Like in a fairy story where to own someone’s name was to own their soul. 

But when Ryuzaki said it like that, suddenly the idea that someone could hold his identity in his mouth was not as comfortable as it had once been. Especially when he suspected he would never know L’s real name.

_ Maybe he’s called Light too, _ he thought. There would be some poetry in that. 

Ryuzaki sighed quietly, reminding Light abruptly that he was yes, still sharing the bed. He hadn’t forgotten, but it was different to hear the evidence. They both breathed silently, apart from Ryuzaki’s sigh, and Light felt almost anxious that Ryuzaki was breathing audibly near him. Was he being too still? He didn’t want to fidget. Okay,  _ now _ he did.

He turned over, facing the wall instead of the outline of Ryuzaki. He immediately felt more vulnerable, like Ryuzaki could or maybe even  _ would _ , sneak up on him.

They were handcuffed together. In  _ bed _ . 

Had this all been some kind of setup? 

But no, Ryuzaki wasn’t gay, probably. Light didn’t think he was any kind of sexual. Even when he was flirting with Misa it seemed like a means to an end, getting her phone or making her talk. Not that he’d thought about it much. It wasn’t relevant, people could do whatever they wanted off the clock, he just worked with the guy!

Except of course that now they were off the clock, so to speak, and handcuffed to each other, in bed. 

Light swallowed nervously. 

He was being ridiculous. What he needed to do was sleep. He needed to be functioning at full capacity if he was to clear his name.

Light had never thought of the sound of shifting sheets as anything remotely erotic. But now the soft hush as Ryuzaki moved was … no, it didn’t matter. He was going to sleep. He was going to think of nothing else but sleep.

*

It was so frustrating. If Light really was once Kira, and he’d been working with Ryuzaki while he was, he wouldn’t have needed whatever it was Kira used to kill people. He would have strangled him out of sheer annoyance. 

It didn’t matter what he said! Ryuzaki was never going to take these handcuffs off, never believe that he wasn’t Kira. And when Light caught onto his tricks, even that wasn’t good enough, because Ryuzaki said that Kira would act that way too. 

Ryuzaki was lucky Light would  _ never _ kill someone. Because the fact that Ryuzaki refused to recognise that had already pushed Light to punch him once. He wasn’t used to losing his cool. There was just something about Ryuzaki. He was so mild, so effortlessly intelligent, his eyes were impossible to look away from when he made rare eye contact with Light. Light hated him. But he was also his best friend.

*

Even with Watari half hanging out of the helicopter, the report from his sniper rifle was almost unbearably loud. Higuchi’s tire exploded. When he attempted to hold himself hostage, Watari shot the pistol from his hand. 

Light gritted his teeth with anxiety as he watched his father approach the car. Even with the helmet … but no, they were all risking their lives. As much as he loved his dad, he wouldn’t want him to hang back and let another detective risk their life instead. 

‘Mogi, give Higuchi a headset, as planned,’ Light ordered. 

‘Higuchi, how have you been killing? I’m asking how you’ve killed people as Kira! Spill it!’

Higuchi was silent, head bowed and utterly defenseless on his knees. Light didn’t expect him to resist. He’d already come to the conclusion that he was a spineless, worthless man with no pride.

‘If you won’t talk, I’ll do whatever it takes to make you,’ Ryuzaki promised.

Light shivered. He wanted to think that Ryuzaki was just saying what needed to be said to make the man confess, but he didn’t. He believed him. 

Higuchi hesitated a second longer, then breathed, ‘The notebook.’

‘Notebook?’

‘You probably won’t believe it, but there’s a notebook that kills whoever’s name you write in it, if you know what they look like … It’s in my bag in the car!’

Ryuzaki’s voice actually stuttered as he ordered Light’s dad to search the car. Light could feel his heart pounding in his ears as his dad found the item and flicked through it. Then …

‘AH!’ 

First Light’s dad, then Mogi both had identical reactions. The notebook was mundane, until they touched it and were horrified by  _ something _ . 

Ryuzaki ordered the notebook to be brought to him. He picked it up with the tips of his fingers and looked out in wonder. 

‘A Shinigami … so they really exist …’ His voice was even more dreamy than usual.

Light was too impatient to deal with Ryuzaki’s nonsense. He leaned over him, the casual touch of their arms no longer doing anything to his nerves after all this time chained together, and grabbed the notebook from Ryuzaki’s light grip.

With the force of the worst headache Light had ever had, his memories slammed back into him. 

_ I’ve won _ , he realised.

*

Maybe it was ironic that the first thing Light did with his freedom was to take himself to a room identical to the one he’d been kept in with Ryuzaki and stroke himself to orgasm from the sheer pleasure he had from his victory. He closed his eyes and pictured Ryuzaki’s reluctant face as he’d uncuffed him. He came quickly, satisfied down to his bones. His plan had worked perfectly, and the only thing more pleasing than all the tiny details coming together was the fact that they had done so right under Ryuzaki’s nose. He’d won. The final steps would be easy now.

*

The rain poured down, harder than it had all year, maybe in many years, and Light was staring at Ryuzaki standing on the rooftop, just letting it land on him. Ryuzaki was already irredeemably soaked, his clothes and hair couldn’t hold any more water than they did, so the drops ran off him without doing much more. 

He hadn’t seen Light yet, he was staring away from him. There was something in his posture that made Light feel … He didn’t like seeing Ryuzaki defeated. And this was obviously the look of a man defeated. It was just so  _ pathetic _ . He was supposed to be Light’s equal, and just because Light had won, he had stopped fighting?

‘What are you doing standing out here by yourself?’ Light called.

Ryuzaki looked around and cupped a hand to his ear theatrically. He couldn’t hear him. Light stared at him, wondering if he’d gotten impossibly thinner without him noticing, and then shook himself. 

‘What are you doing standing out here by yourself?’ he repeated, louder.

Ryuzaki just exaggerated the gesture. 

Oh, so it was like that. Light barely hesitated before lifting an arm to sheild himself from the worst of the rain ( _ ouch _ , it actually stung when it was coming down like this) and walked over to join his enemy.

‘What are you doing, Ryuzaki?’

‘Oh, I’m not doing anything in particular, it’s just I hear the bells.’

‘The bells?’

‘Yes, the sound of the bells usually means good things.’

Light wondered how much longer he could put up with pretending that this  _ child _ was equal with him. He’d won. He’d arranged everything. But he couldn’t let Ryuzaki escape with the notebook or anything like that, so he had to do this bullshit  _ earnest _ act that his memory-less self had done so convincingly. And it was partly an act for  _ that _ Light as well, because every Light who had known the man in front of him, by whatever name he was using that was just covering up  _ L _ , every single Light had known that he couldn’t trust him. 

‘I don’t hear anything,’ he said, as if there was anything to hear and he was surprised by Ryuzaki talking nonsense.

‘Really? You can’t hear it? It’s been running non-stop all day. I find it very distracting. I wonder if it’s a church, maybe a wedding, perhaps …’

Light had given up trying too shield anything other than his eyes, and he was only doing that because he wanted to see Ryuzaki clearer, to try and get a read on whether he was being messed with or it he really thought he could hear bells.

‘What are you getting at, Ryuzaki? Cut it out, let’s get back inside.’

‘I’m sorry. Nothing I say makes any sense anyway. If I were you, I wouldn’t believe any of it.’

Light dropped his hand completely. He was fucking furious. 

Ryuzaki, no,  _ L _ , who had been the sole focus of his life for  _ years _ now, was just going to pretend to be completely insane? There was no victory in this, this wasn’t what he had wanted. He had wanted L to slump to the floor in front of him, for L to see, right as he was dying, something in Light’s eyes that would prove that he’d been right the whole time and it hadn’t even mattered.

Light wanted to shake him, to grab those thin shoulders and  _ force _ him to pay attention. Didn’t he care that he was alone on a roof with a god?

He closed his eyes for a moment instead, and regained his composure.

‘You know you’re totally right,’ he said, voice light like he was joking. ‘Honestly, most of the things you say sound like complete nonsense; there’d be no end to my troubles if I actually took you seriously all the time. I probably know that better than anyone.’

‘Yes, I would say that’s a fair assessment,’ L said. He sounded so sad, the rain had cut away the bulk his loose clothes usually gave him and Light wasn’t even sure what he was doing there. He obviously wasn’t a threat. ‘But,’ L continued. ‘I could say the same about you.’

Well, not entirely depressed then.

‘Oh? What’s that supposed to mean?’ Light asked.

‘Tell me Light, from the moment you were born, has there ever been a point where you’ve actually told the truth?’

The rain seemed to fade into unimportance as Light and L stared at each other. The air was  _ charged _ , as if lightning were due to strike, and it would take something as calamitous as that to break the hold L’s eyes had on Light. They were cold, black as his pupils in the darkness of the storm, and they  _ knew. _

‘Where’s this coming from, Ryuzaki?’ Light asked with easy casualness. ‘I do admit I stretch the truth here and there,  _ however _ , find me one person in this world who’s never had to tell a lie, it wouldn’t be easy. Human beings just aren’t made to be perfect like that. Everybody lies from time to time. Even so, I’ve always made a conscious effort not to tell a lie that could hurt others. That’s my answer.’

L finally looked away and released Light from his terrible eyes.

‘I had a feeling you’d say something like that.’

Light couldn’t answer. He’d done perfectly, of course he had. But that was what L expected.

‘Let’s go back inside, we’re both drenched,’ L said, breaking the tension.

‘Yeah,’ Light agreed.

*

Light’d taken his shoes off and he had a hand towel from the closest restroom. He’d dried his face first, and was working on his hair. He already knew the small towel wouldn’t be enough, and his fingers were so cold they weren’t moving properly. He could hear drops of water falling from his sodden self onto the floor in the quietness of the vast building.

L walked back from his quest to find a second towel, his footsteps louder than usual because of all the water.

‘Well that was certainly an unpleasant outing,’ he said casually.

‘It’s your own fault,’ Light said, focusing on drying his hair and ignoring his almost uncontrollable impulse to look at L. ‘I mean, what did you expect?’

‘You’re right,’ L said gently. ‘Sorry.’

Light ignored him. 

Until he crouched on the steps right next to him and picked up one of Light’s bare feet. He pulled the towel he’d found from his head, where he’d evidently just let it sit, and held it under Light’s foot. His hands were somehow warm on Light’s foot, or maybe his foot was just frozen, but no matter their respective temperatures, it was alarming.

‘What are you doing?’ Light asked, forgetting to control his voice and letting all his alarm show.

‘I thought I might help you out,’ L said. ‘You were busy wiping yourself off anyway.’

‘L-look, it’s fine,’ Light said, trying to pull his foot out of L’s grip. His hand was strong around his ankle and he was staring up at him with those eyes, it was impossible to look away. ‘You don’t have to do that.’

‘I can give you a massage as well,’ L said. ‘It’s the least I can do to atone for my sins. I’m actually pretty good at this.’

Light stared at L in shock, no idea what the hell he was supposed to say in this situation. He always knew the right thing to say. Speechlessness was never an option.

_ Why the fuck is he “good at this”? _ Light wondered wildly.

‘Fine, do what you want,’ Light said, tearing his eyes away like he didn’t care at all. He wondered if L could feel his heart rate through the vein that travelled under his fingers. But maybe an elevated heart rate was to be expected.

‘Alright,’ L said.

L dragged the towel down the arch of Light’s foot, drying it, and then ran his thumbs over the fabric, digging in. He hit  _ something _ and discomfort that wasn’t  _ quite _ pain shot all the way up Light’s leg to his groin.

‘Hey,  _ hey! _ ’ 

‘You’ll get used to it,’ L said dismissively. 

It was a nerve, Light knew that, could probably even find the same spot if he tried, but while he knew that there were lightning paths through his body that could be jarred or relaxed or manipulated, he’d never felt this. It wasn’t just his foot, L’s touch shot all the way up and through his body. 

Light gave up on pretending to dry his hair and watched L work. L’s wet hair dripped onto Light’s foot as he lessened the pressure and then found a new place to press. Light picked up his towel and gently pressed L’s hair between his hand.

‘Here, you’re still soaked.’

He’d become used to touching L accidentally, and L leaning into his personal space, and waking up closer than they’d gone to sleep. But this was different. It was intentional, and it was kind.

‘I’m sorry,’ L said, picking up Light’s other foot.

Light thought he knew what L meant, that he was apologising for everything that Light had endured to prove himself innocent, but he didn’t know for sure. He kept silent, brushed L’s hair back, and let his hand linger behind the curve of his ear.

They sat in silence as L massaged the tension out of Light’s feet, and then a little longer, with L sitting several stairs lower than Light, his palm resting on the top of Light’s foot like he wasn’t ready to abandon the moment of peace. 

‘Come on, let’s get this over with,’ L said eventually.

‘What?’

L refused to answer, but stood and offered his hand to Light. Light took it, and found that when he was pulled up their bodies were closer than they would usually stand. He stepped to the side and released L’s hand, following him back to the main computer lab.

Everyone else was there, the screen of one of the monitor’s displaying Watari’s sign in lieu of his actual presence, Rem standing slightly apart. 

‘Thank you for joining me here,’ L said.

‘Why are you wet?’ Matsoda asked. ‘Where are your shoes?’

‘Don’t ask stupid questions, Matsoda,’ L said. ‘I don’t have time for it. I’ve captured Kira.’

The room exploded into uproar. At the various demands for explanation, L reached down easily to link his fingers around Light’s wrist and hold it up. Light attempted to jerk his hand free, but L was stronger than he looked. 

‘Not this again, Ryuzaki,’ Mogi said. ‘Light’s proven time and again that he’s innocent. Even if he hadn’t, if you don’t write in the Death Note every 13 days, you die.’

‘Would you like to confess, Light?’ L asked.

‘No!’ Light protested. ‘I’m innocent, you  _ know _ I’m innocent.’

‘Very well. Allow me to lay out the evidence.’

Light’s heart was racing, but L didn’t know anything,  _ couldn’t  _ know anything. He’d  _ won _ . He knew he had. And the rest of the team was already sick and tired of L’s ridiculous prejudice against him, so there was no way they’d believe him. He just needed to be calm.

‘We know that Kira was in the Kanto region when I began this investigation. His first victim was in Shinjuku. We know that his method of killing was through writing names in this or another notebook. We know that he is idealistic to the extreme, that he considers his mass murder righteous and that he is quick-tempered when his ideals are questioned. We know that despite his motivation to rid the world of evil, he will take any action to stop those who question him, even police, protectors of the innocent.’

Light struggled to free his wrist again. L clasped his free hand on the nape of Light’s neck and held him still.

‘We know he has a childlike impression of good and evil. We know that he is intelligent. We know that he has a police connection, and more than that a connection with the original taskforce. We know that he contacted the second Kira, Misa Amane, and that she also had a notebook that he instructed her to use. I believe this notebook was hers, as the early names don’t match up with Kira’s first kills. We know he was one of the people Raye Penber was following.’

Light’s eyes were wide, his mouth slightly open as his mind raced to combat all the evidence. He had before, he’d gotten away with everything, but listed all together …

‘We know his dearest ambition is to murder me.’

L released Light’s neck and Light flinched away, but L jerked his wrist closer and forced him to make eye contact. 

‘No one else has tried to get close to me, excepting Higuchi and his committee. Do you really think that Kira would give up on me? We’re bound together, Light Yagami, do you hear me? Confess.’

‘I’m not Kira!’ Light said desperately. He had a scrap of the Death Note hidden in his watch, but it was useless without a name. 

‘You are Kira. And I should sentence you to death. But I won’t. Confess.’

‘Ryuzaki …’ Light’s dad started. 

‘You know he is, Yagami, don’t pretend otherwise. I know that you needed to believe he was innocent, but he’s not. It’s not a reflection of the son you raised, I honestly believe his intentions were good. We saw the son you raised when Kira gave up his memories, but he has them back now, doesn’t he. He’s the Light I met, the one who doesn’t know whether he should beat me at tennis or let me win, the one who has a perfect answer when he’s confronted about his lies.’

‘He’s crazy!’ Light insisted. ‘He doesn’t know what he’s talking about, he has it out for me! He’s given up and the only way he can live with himself is if I’m guilty but I’m not! I proved it!’

‘No, Light, you proved that possession of the notebooks is transferable. And I will make you tell me everything.’

*

The rest of the force protested, but was convinced. L took Light to his floor, telling the team in no uncertain terms that though the tapes would run, they would be exclusive to Watari’s system for now. Light didn’t know what that meant. He had thought about the possibility of coming under torture before, and he had no more idea of how he would react than the next person. He hoped his convictions would hold, because he wasn’t just fighting for himself, it was for the whole world, but he just didn’t know. He’d been counting on the fact that the police would never allow torture to happen.

But this wasn’t the police. It was L.

L took him to their bedroom,  _ his _ bedroom, they didn’t share it any more, and forced Light to kneel. 

‘Please, L, I’m not Kira,’ he said. 

L smiled slightly.

‘So I’m not Ryuzaki anymore. I suppose that’s fair. But we both know you are, so you might as well stop pretending.’

‘This isn’t how investigation works!’ Light said. ‘You need evidence, you need to arrest me formally, you can’t just …’ he couldn’t finish, because he didn’t know what it was that L was doing. 

L crouched down in front of Light on his toes so that their faces were level. 

‘I’m not going to torture you, Kira. We both know that I could make an innocent man confess to anything. I’m capable of atrocious things. And so are you. But only if you have your notebook on you.’

L pulled Light’s right wrist towards him and unbuttoned his cuff. He dropped it and reached for his other wrist. 

Light couldn’t let him take his watch, not now. He scrambled back, but L was stronger than his thin frame looked and he held him firm.

‘It would be better if you didn’t resist,’ L said.

Light decided not to make it any more obvious that he wanted to keep his watch. L unclasped it and placed it gently on the ground. He unbuttoned Light’s other cuff and then pulled Light forward, off balance. Light grabbed L’s wrists reflexly to stop their heads from colliding, and then tried to tug them away from his chest when he realised he was unbuttoning his shirt.

‘W-what are you doing!?’

‘If I were you, and I believe I’ve proven pretty thoroughly that I’m able to think like you, I would have a scrap of the notebook concealed on me at all times. I don’t know where. So I’m taking away everything.’

‘Why not Watari?’

‘Because Watari is a professional, Kira. And I don’t think you deserve that right now.’

Light didn’t struggle as his button up was pulled from him, or as L took off his t-shirt underneath. He flinched when L undid his belt and shivered at the foreign feeling of it dragging through the loops, pulling him closer to L. It’s not fair how balanced he is on his toes, while Light is on his knees and can’t find the stability he wants.

L paused, his fingers halfway through unbuttoning Light’s pants, Light breathing shallow in an attempt not to let his stomach brush against L’s fingers, and then evidently realised that he couldn’t take off Light’s pants like this. 

‘I’m going to push you onto the floor,’ L said calmly. 

He released Light’s pants and pushed his shoulder. Light resisted and L stopped, looking him in the eyes. 

‘You either go along with this, or I have an excuse to use force. Light was my best friend. You’ve ruined that. Don’t give me a reason.’

This time when L pushed, Light let himself go down. L hadn’t doubted his theory that he was Kira even for a second, even when he let him free, he’d just caved to the pressure from the rest of the team. Faced with that certainty, Light wasn’t sure how to respond. He didn’t think he could deny everything, not when L  _ knew _ .

He’d fantasised before about L joining him. He’d noted all the times when his morals didn’t line up exactly with what people were  _ supposed _ to say. L had even talked about Kira being given the death penalty, so clearly he knew that was an appropriate response for some crimes, and Kira,  _ Light’s _ Kira, had been careful about only choosing convicted criminals, properly bad people. 

Maybe if he didn’t give him a reason to hand him over to the police, he could show L what good they could do together. With them working as a team, no one would commit crime anymore. It wouldn’t be worth it.

L pulled Light’s pants off his legs. The movement dragged his underwear down a bit as well, and Light jumped to keep that from happening.

‘I’m taking those off too,’ L said, unfazed. 

‘L—Ryuzaki, you don’t need—’

‘Yes, Kira, I do. You’re very resourceful. You’re definitely capable of sewing a secret pocket in the waistband or something.’

Light closed his eyes and held onto the fabric, knowing it was useless to resist and hating that his stripping was even necessary. L had already taken his notebook away from him, but of course he didn’t know that. 

‘Can I do it, at least?’ Light asked.

‘Fine,’ L said. ‘I don’t see what difference it makes.’

Light wasn’t sure it made a difference either, but he did it anyway. He dropped his underwear reluctantly onto the pile of clothes and stared up at L wondering if he was allowed to kneel again. He’d been naked in front of people before, not that he  _ frequented _ bathhouses, but it was a normal part of his life. This felt very different. For one, L was fully clothed. For another, the privacy of L’s room was so different to the safe and public bathhouses.

‘Stay,’ L said sternly. 

He rose to his feet and picked up Light’s things, dropping them carelessly into one of the drawers that had been his when they shared a room. He took something shiny from his desk and brought it back to where Light was obediently staying still. 

Light was too late to stop L from clasping the collar around his neck.

‘What the  _ fuck _ ?’

‘The handcuffs were flawed,’ L said. ‘They impeded both of our sleep and we weren’t able to blend into normal outside environments. I didn’t like the sound they made when you typed. This is better.’

Light reached up and pinched the collar between his fingers, feeling it thoroughly for seam or weakness. It felt almost leathery, soft enough that he would probably get used to it and it wouldn’t cut into him, but untwistable and firm, like it had some kind of boning under the material. 

‘I don’t understand,’ he said.

‘Well, it’s nice to know I can still surprise you. I’ll demonstrate.’

L stepped back three measured steps. He cocked his head to the side, staring at the distance between them, and then took one more step back.

Fire arced down Light’s spine, forcing his body to tense and arch up unnaturally, pain running down pathways in his body. It wasn’t just pain, it was utterly  _ immobilising _ , his teeth crushed together and there was no room for thought, only the experience. 

The electric shock subsided and Light gasped for breath. L crouched next to him again and pressed his fingers just above the collar at his pulse point for a few seconds. 

‘Open your mouth,’ L said.

Light struggled to obey. His brain didn’t feel right, everything tasted metallic. 

‘Well you didn’t bite your tongue off. I’d call that a success. Thoughts?’

Light glared up at L, unwilling to speak while his tongue still felt foreign in his mouth. It felt like his whole body was recovering from dental anesthesia.

‘I suppose I better stay within four meters of you until you’re able to move on your own.’

‘Do I have to be naked?’ Light asked.

‘Yes.’

‘ _ Why? _ ’

L stroked Light’s fringe out of his eyes. He looked curious, like he was experimenting with touching.

‘Because you don’t seem to get that you’re mine yet.’

*

L sat on the armchair in the corner of his room, and Light sat on the floor next to it, never wanting to feel that pain again. He could endure it if it was for a purpose, but it wasn't like writing in his blood or being beaten up to prove a point, he couldn’t  _ think _ while it was happening and he still felt fragile in a way that is deeply uncomfortable. Being hurt like that wouldn’t do anything except hurt, so he wouldn’t let it happen again, even if he had to always be aware of where L was. He already was, anyway.

‘What are you thinking about?’ Light asked after they had been sitting in silence for a while.

‘You killed Higuchi and took ownership of the notebook, didn’t you?’

Light didn’t answer. He wasn’t going to admit guilt. 

‘Well, if that’s the case, then killing you will not ensure that the notebook is no longer used. If I hand you over to the police, and I’m not certain I want to hand over any case that contains such fantastic language in it, they will give you the death penalty. And someone like Higuchi may end up with the notebook after your death, killing criminals indiscriminately to continue the Kira legacy while also using it for their own gain. That to me is the worst outcome imaginable.’

L climbed out of his chair and helped Light to his feet. 

‘I have to admit, it isn’t just that,’ he said. ‘I don’t want you to die because you’re my friend. And you’re brilliant, Light Yagami. But you have the moral development of a small child.’

‘What does that say about the people all around the world, praising Kira?’

‘It says what it has always said of the citizens of dictators. They’re smart enough to know that adoration is the safest state.’

Light bit down on his fury. He wasn’t allowing himself to be Kira in front of L yet, and that was already close enough to admission.

‘I guess you’re right. But Kira’s morality isn’t mine. I don’t know if I could shoot someone even in self defense. I’ve thought about it a lot because of my aspirations to join the police. Even in those circumstances, I’d be basically saying that I think my life is worth more than someone else’s, and I don’t know if I’m comfortable with that.’

‘You always say the most perfect things,’ L said, guiding Light to the bed. ‘It’s extraordinary, really.’

L pushed Light’s shoulders so that he fell to sitting on the edge of the bed.

‘What are you doing?’ Light asked.

‘You need proof, Kira, you always did. I’m not interested in your death, but I can’t let you free, either. So I’ll keep you on my side, working with me as you are so suited to doing. And to prove to you that I don’t care about what the world says is right, that I am only interested in the net positive that I can get out of your existence, I’m going to show you how completely I will own you.’

Light, who had grown used to his nakedness, was suddenly conscious of it again. He hadn’t thought L was  _ capable _ of this, not even to prove his complete domination over him.

‘You don’t know what you’re doing,’ Light protested.

L smiled patronisingly down at him and then removed his baggy white shirt. His pale skin stretched over defined muscles that Light couldn’t help but be drawn to look at.

‘I know I’m strange, but I can put on a passable imitation of a normal man when required. I’m not inexperienced, Kira.’

‘Would you stop calling me that?’

L pulled at the string tying his pants around his hips. Light had no idea how to get out of this, or if it was all just another test that he shouldn’t be blinking at. He watched L’s hands as they loosened the string and then pushed his waistband down. Light swallowed nervously, unable to look away.

‘I didn’t think you’d like the name. It’s too honest. You don’t correct them, because it’s a mark of their recognition and their love, but if they called you “god” or “judge” you’d be happier. They’re right, though, that’s what you are. A killer.’

‘You were talking about net positives before,’ Light said. He still couldn’t take his eyes off L’s body. ‘Does that mean that if you knew that killing some people would save many people, you would do it? What if the people you had to kill had already judged as worthy of killing by society, or were those who would be judged as such if they weren’t ruining the system with their money and power? If the only price to pay would be that of your own damnation, wouldn’t you do it?’

‘You’re on my side now, Kira, not the other way around.’

L pushed Light more firmly onto the bed and climbed onto his lap. He felt strangely breathless even though he was still, his body tingling everywhere that their skin touched. L wasn’t quite sitting on him though, and the tease that he might was making Light hyperfocused on his cock, on the way he could feel it getting hard.

‘But I’ll humour you, because I think you need to hear this.’

L leaned down until their faces were inches apart. Light stared into his eyes. He wanted to kiss him, he realised, wanted it even outside of his desire to control the situation. He’d never kissed anyone without an ulterior motive before. Even if he kissed L now, that wouldn’t change, though it would be more for pleasure than anything he’d done before. 

‘I would not do the same in your position. I would be better than you.’

Light reached up and grabbed L’s hair roughly, holding his head in place so that he could arch up and kiss him. L smiled against his lips and pressed him back down into the mattress, deepening the kiss, moving their tongues together with a confidence completely foreign to Light.

Their hips finally met as L put more of his weight onto Light, and Light groaned quietly into L’s mouth. 

‘You’re naive, and you’ve been evil,’ L murmured, his lips brushing against Light’s as he spoke. ‘But you’re mine now. Do you understand?’

‘No,’ Light whispered.

‘You will. You’re clever.’

L pulled Light properly onto the bed and touched him gently from his neck to his groin, just shy of where he was now aching to be touched. Light couldn’t help but lift his hips, trying to chase L’s touch. L pushed him back onto the bed.

‘I’ll tie you up if you can’t keep still,’ L told him. 

‘Don’t you want to see what I can do?’ Light asked.

‘I don’t think you can do anything worth showing off just yet,’ L said. He dragged his fingers down Light’s thigh, then back up, teasing patterns so close to his groin. ‘I’ll teach you, though.’

He finally let his fingertips run over Light’s cock, but the touch was so light it was even more frustrating than not being touched at all. Light closed his eyes and grabbed the sheets to keep some of his composure. Even with such gentle stimulation, his cock was dripping precome onto his belly.

‘L,’ Light said. 

‘Yes?’

‘Stop dragging this out and touch me properly already.’

‘As you wish.’

L dragged his fingers down and pressed firmly against Light’s asshole. Light squirmed away, but L put his hand on his chest and held him still.

‘Shh,’ he said. ‘I’m not doing anything more yet.’

Light’s heart was still beating fast, but he stilled and grabbed the sheets tighter, looking up at the ceiling instead of L’s patient face. L made slow circles on and around Light’s hole, but as promised made no move to push inside. As Light’s nerves eases, the tension he felt built. It was  _ sensitive _ , and he was starting to feel that same urgency that prompted him to speak before. He wanted more, even if he wasn’t really sure what that meant.

He looked down at L, who was watching his reactions closely. His eyes were dilated and his expression as focused as Light had ever seen him. Light looked down, past where L was propping himself up on one forearm, and to the bulge in his briefs. He cautiously moved his hand to touch L’s hip and dropped it immediately when L pulled back from where he was touching Light. 

‘You’re allowed to touch me,’ L said. ‘I’m not stopping, I just need …’

He turned over onto his back and Light felt a spike of fear at him moving away. But he just opened the bedside drawer and returned with a bottle of lubricant. 

Light couldn’t continue like this. He might be a virgin in the literal sense of the word, but there was no reason he had to submit to everything L wanted. So L wanted to fuck him. He was fine with that, wanted it as well, surprising as that was to learn. He didn’t see why he couldn’t take more control, flip the script. Despite the confidence L had shown, he didn’t think he was some playboy or anything. And Light was a quick learner, and had rarely needed more than one try to replicate results he’d seen. He was confident he could fuck L.

‘I’m not going to  _ hurt _ you,’ L said, turning back. ‘I’m very good to the things I own.’

Light moved quickly, while L was still mostly on his back, and pinned him down by his shoulders. He kissed him deeply, fitting his leg between L’s and pressing his thigh carefully against his cock. L buried one hand in his hair and the other held his shoulder close.

Light rolled his hips, slow and gentle at first, but the intense feeling of grinding into L’s body encouraged him to go rougher, almost as if he could fuck into his skin. L grabbed Light’s ass and guided him through the movements, and the feeling of his long fingers digging into his cheek reminded Light of how good they’d felt against his hole. He didn’t resist when L urged him to straddle his hips properly, one leg either side. His hope of taking control was less important when confronted with how fucking good it felt to grind against L as L started to tease his hole again. 

Light pressed his face into L’s neck to muffle a whimper. He was feeling overwhelmed, so much better than he’d felt alone or with the few girls he’d made out with. He felt like he might come just from this and had no idea if L would leave him alone if he did. 

He eased up on his grinding, focusing instead on the feeling of L’s now wet finger teasing the edges of his hole. He couldn’t stop moving entirely; it felt too good.

‘You’re okay,’ L said. ‘I’ve got you.’

He pressed inside and Light was just still, waiting for the panic to hit or for the sensation to change into something strange, but it was just an extension of the teasing from before, with the promise that if he kept it up, it would finally satisfy him.

L was slow and thorough, to the point where Light couldn’t help but resume his grinding, wanting the electric drag of L’s fingers inside him even more than the feeling of their cocks together. 

‘I want more,’ Light moaned, so quiet the words were barely distinguishable.

‘I know,’ L said. ‘You’ll want to let me up.’

Light reluctantly got off L’s lap and shivered as L used his dry hand to lift his hips up and press his shoulders down. He listened to the sound of fabric dragging across skin as L finally took off his underwear. 

The head of L’s cock felt impossibly big as he pressed it to Light’s hole. He didn’t push in straight away, waiting for Light to relax again. When he did, he was as slow and methodical as he had been about everything else. It was frustrating, that even this wasn’t enough to make L lose control, that Light was digging half-moons onto his palms with the intensity of the feelings, but L was just going to calmly and slowly tip them both into orgasm. 

But as Light adjusted more, L bent over him to get closer and threaded their fingers together. Light groaned and squeezed L’s fingers back, desperate for the anchorage. The faster L moved, the more Light wanted him to keep going, the more the sounds of him panting spurred him on, urging him to meet L’s thrusts with his own movements and drive him deeper, harder.

‘Light …’ L groaned. 

Light’s breath hitched as L sped up, the hand not holding his reaching around to cup his cock instead, and it was this sudden intensifying of everything that had Light crying out and coming against the sheets. L thrust in only a few more times before slowly pulling out and falling dramatically onto his back next to Light.

Light let his legs relax, grimacing at the wet sheets but unwilling to do anything about them yet, and focused on his breathing. He honestly hadn’t predicted that.

‘Why?’ he asked L.

‘Because it’s the only way I can keep you,’ L said, turning to face him. ‘I need you contrite, I need you owned. The NPA might not be expecting me to catch Kira after all this time, but the men in this building are. They wouldn’t let me give up. You wouldn’t let me give up. There was a 70% chance that I was going to die this week. I didn’t want to.’

L looked back up to the ceiling. Light had gotten used to sharing a bed with L, at seeing his usually hunched form stretched out and honestly beautiful, at the way he often lifted a hand as if drawing patterns in the air. It was different now he was naked. Now that he couldn’t deny how he felt.

‘You could admit it, you know,’ L said. ‘It wouldn’t change anything. It couldn’t be used as a real confession given the circumstances and I am already certain.’

‘Would that make it better for you?’ Light asked. ‘Would you like me better if I was Kira?’

Light sat up, eyeing L carefully, not sure where the monitor that determined the four metre distance was and unwilling to risk another shock.

‘Would it be easier for you to live in the world, knowing there’s only one man as intelligent as you instead of two? I’m your equal, L, I figure things out just as quickly as you do, and I don’t have to give up normal human behaviour to “increase my brain power”. And Kira’s better than both of us.’

‘Light—’

‘No! Listen to me! I told you, I’ve told you so many times now! I’m not Kira! I wish I was because then all the killing would stop, I would have the power to end the biggest murder spree the world has ever known! But I’m not!’

L sat up too, lifting his knees and resting his forearms on them. 

‘I would have had sex with you if you’d come to me honestly. Hell, I’d have sex with you no matter how you approached it, I don’t know if your “powers of observation” have picked up on this,  _ L _ , but you’re the first … you’re on my  _ level _ . You  _ get _ it. I’ve never had this kind of connection with anyone, and apparently I’m desperate enough that I’ll take it however it is you have to justify it to yourself. But just because you need this convoluted reason to have sex with me doesn’t make me Kira.’

L moved closer. He stroked Light’s hair gently out of his face and then cupped his cheek. 

‘You’re so good at that. But there’s nobody else in the room to see how heartless L is being to Light this time.’

Light sighed and then smiled. It was funny, actually. He was lying, of course he was lying. But not about everything. It was stupid to lie about everything, when a passionate confession of the truth was distracting enough that most people would latch onto that. He hadn’t quite realised how lonely he had been before L until he’d said it, though.

‘I don’t want to kill you,’ L said. 

‘I don’t want to kill you,’ Light said.

L smiled sadly. 

‘One day, I’ll hear you say something that isn’t a lie. Until then …’ L ran a thumb across the flexible material of Light’s collar. ‘Murder is a very intimate fantasy.’

‘Tell me your name,’ Light said.

‘When you tell me yours.’

Light let his head fall onto L’s shoulder and laughed. No, he wasn’t going to confess. But this was an interesting development in the game. He would have been disappointed if L had let him win, even now after all these years and the most brilliant plan he’d ever come up with. What was the point of love if it didn’t challenge you?


End file.
